The art of only caring about what matters to you

A few weeks ago I heard NBA player Russell Westbrook say in an interview that he was blessed with the talent not to give a f#@k.  This reminded me of a book that seems to have gained some recent popularity called “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life”.  I have been hesitant to read the book because I don’t like the title. On the surface, it seems to send the wrong message. Not giving a (add your preferred expletive here) gives me the impression that we are not supposed to care but I think I understand what both Westbrook and author Mark Manson are trying to say. They trying to convey a message of not caring so much about the opinions of others and what they have to say but I think there is a better way to share this message.

The danger in this message of not caring is that it can lead us to self-defeating behaviours. If we are afraid of rejection we disguise it with not caring and in doing so push people away in relationships. I also see this in children who stop trying as soon as they may fail or be seen as not good at something. A child will say I don’t really care anyway missing out on valuable experiences. Such behaviours can then carry over into adult life if this habit is not addressed and changed. Giving up is no way to deal with the fear of disappointment, rejection or criticism.

That said, most people do live their lives trying to satisfy the expectation of others worrying about what other people think or say about them. This can be especially difficult for celebrities who see themselves as a brand or politicians trying to gain popularity. Teenagers have a very difficult time with this as they are desperately trying to fit in and belong while searching for their own identity. Most people continue to allow external judgement to affect their choices and actions as adults, perhaps because they feel this is necessary to be loved or accepted.  Only as we grow older do some people begin to stop worrying so much about how they are seen by others.

The best approach is to define your own values and ideas to live by.  Stay true to them and be authentic and those people who matter will love and accept you.  Know that those who do not are dealing with their own fears and insecurities which are manifesting as judgement and prejudice. You don’t need to stop caring about other peoples thoughts and feelings but you can care more about your own values while not allowing other people to affect you as much. It’s not easy and it takes practice but it is possible when you recognise that you don’t need to live up to anyone’s expectations except your own.