When Perception Becomes Reality

Pause for a moment and consider this question: What story are you currently telling yourself about your life, or about the people closest to you? We rarely think of our inner narratives as powerful forces, yet they quietly shape how we feel, how we behave, and ultimately how satisfied or unhappy we become.

When we are unhappy, a significant contributing factor is often not the situation itself, but how we interpret it, how we view ourselves, our lives, and our relationships. Examining situations from different vantage points, especially in relationships, can be deeply helpful. Perspective matters. Applying systemic principles to the complexity of life, especially relationships, by examining situations from different vantage points can be deeply helpful. Here, I want to focus specifically on relationships.

Recently, I spoke with a woman about her marriage. She explained that her husband was unhappy at work and that this unhappiness made him difficult to be around at home. He accused her of using a negative tone when communicating, while she felt he had become overly sensitive. Affection between them felt forced and inauthentic. Overall, something felt off.

One issue she seemed particularly focused on was her husband’s “unreliability,” so I asked her to clarify what she meant. She described him as distracted and often not fully present. As an example, she mentioned that he frequently forgot to close the bedroom window after opening it in the morning to air the room.

When small behaviours like this take on outsized importance, it often signals that something deeper is wrong. Another red flag is the use of words like always. So I asked for another example. She cited an incident from almost three years earlier. If she had to reach that far back, was this really the core issue?

I then shifted the conversation and asked what she appreciated about her husband. She struggled to come up with anything positive. That, to me, set off alarm bells. In my previous marriage, and in many other relationships I have witnessed deteriorate, when one or both partners can no longer identify positive qualities or recall enjoyable experiences they have shared recently, it often signals the beginning of the end.

When conflict arises, people commonly resort to judgment and blame. Unfortunately, neither helps repair what feels broken. When we repeatedly tell ourselves a one-sided, negative story about our partner, that story gradually becomes our reality. Once this happens, recovery becomes much more difficult.

Appreciation is one of the most powerful ways to shift perspective. If you want to improve a relationship, look for things to appreciate and name them. If you dislike your job but are not in a position to change it, find aspects you can still value. If life feels hopeless, start by noticing what is worthy of appreciation.

I cannot speak for all men, but I know that appreciation brings out the best in me. Feeling valued matters. When it is present, it changes how I show up. Regardless of the relationship, it is important to work through conflicts and share grievances, but it is just as important to continue seeing the good in those you hold dear and to let them know they are appreciated.