You and your expectations

Is there is an area of life that you are happy with? How much do you focus on that? Most of us spend a great deal of our time focused on what we are unhappy with. While it is helpful to know what you want to change in life, if you focus all of your attention on the things that are not meeting your expectations then it will negatively affect your mental state. How good can you feel if most of your thoughts are focussed on your disappointment? We have a similar problem with watching the news. While it can be helpful to know what is going on in the world, the news is generally negative by design because that is what our brains are wired to focus on. This human tendency can cause us to focus not only on potential dangers in our environment but also on things like potential missed opportunities or your progress compared to your peers.

What does this have to do with your expectations? Our greatest unhappiness comes from the gap we create between expectations and reality.  If we spend too much time focused on this gap it can seem as if the life we are living is not going well despite many positives. I have caught myself falling into this mindset at times. I have so many things that I want to do in this life and I can be impatient with myself at times.  This can cause me to focus on what I have not yet accomplished.  Sometimes I will focus on people who are younger than me and have accomplished so much more. However, when I take the time to reflect on what I have done with my life so far I am not disappointed at all.

If the gaps between your current situation and your expectations are getting you down there are a few mental exercises that you can do.  As usual, I recommend gratitude.  A regular practice of remembering what you are grateful for is hugely beneficial whether or not you have issues with expectation gaps. You can also try a mental review of what is good in your life. It is especially helpful to reflect on past challenges that you have overcome. The challenges we face in life provide the most significant growth and recognising that you are still ok despite what you have been through in the past will help you be more optimistic about the future.  Einstein once said: “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.” Trust that things will work out for you. You never know how difficult experiences will benefit you in the future. Finally, remember that the only person you are in competition with is yourself and who you were yesterday. Creating exceptions based on what others have done will be less satisfying and could actually limit your potential.

When there is some distance between where we are and where we want to be in life it creates tension. Image an elastic band between yourself and the milestone you are trying to reach in life. The elastic band represents the tension and there are two ways to relieve the tension.  You can lower your expectations which brings the milestone or eliminates it altogether.  I definitely do not recommend this.  If you are clear on what you want and it is an authentic desire motivated internally rather than externally, then closing the gap by lowering your expectations will lead to unhappiness and regret. Continue working toward your goal at your pace and don’t fear disappointment.  Celebrate the small victories and know that disappointment fades or is replaced by the joy of new successes. In life, the journey is far more important than the destination so remember that your gaps are part of the journey you are currently on.