Do you really know the intentions of others?

Have you ever gotten angry based on an assumption you made only to feel stupid because you got it wrong?  There is a Buddhist parable that tells of a man in a boat who notices another boat coming in his direction.  As he notices that the trajectory of the boats could cause them to collide, he calls out to the other boat to change direction.  The other boat continues without changing direction so the man in the boat begins to get angry and shouts more aggressively at the other boat.  As the boats narrowly miss each other the man in the boat is furious until he notices the other boat is empty.  It is simply adrift being carried by the current.  The man’s anger fades and he feels silly for having gotten angry at an empty boat. But what caused the man's anger?  

The teachings of Buddhism suggest that we often become angered by the stories we tell ourselves about the intentions of others.  Is the driver of the other boat being reckless and inconsiderate?  Are the people who annoy or frustrate you doing so with malevolent intentions or are you making an assumption?  Becoming aware of the story you are telling yourself about another person's intentions can help you navigate your emotional responses to certain situations. 

Think about a time when you got angry at an inanimate object.  “This stupid thing isn’t working! It lets me down when I need it most!” You know that objects don’t have intelligence, emotions or intentions and yet your mind is creating a story as if they did.  “This thing is out to get me!”  What if your assumptions about the intentions of others are also just your mind creating a story that is not true?

When we tell ourselves stories about other people how can we know they are correct? Often they are strangers who we do not know.  The people in traffic frustrate us. People of other cultures. Leaders of other countries. Celebrities we don’t like. Politicians in parties we don’t support, or that dog owner who annoys us. What are the stories you are telling yourself about their intentions?  How do you know if they are true?

The assumptions we make about intentions get really interesting when we reflect on the stories we tell ourselves about the people we have relationships with. Because we know them well we are more prone to make assumptions.  We make assumptions about our friends, parents, children, spouses, and neighbours. In my personal relationships, the stories I have told myself about the intentions of the other have caused angry arguments and stressful tensions. When I looked at the stories I was telling myself I realised they had more to do with me and beliefs I had about myself than with the other person. These were stories that reflected my fears and insecurities. If you consider your assumptions you will likely find similar fear-based assumptions. 

The stories we tell ourselves can often be based on fear sometimes because of past experiences.  For better relationships and a happier, less stressful life, it is helpful to reflect on how the assumptions we make about the intentions of others get in the way of seeing clearly.  This will help us to act more out of love than out of fear.