One of the most frequent questions I am asked in the podcast interviews that I have been doing is: What is happiness? The first thing that I explain is that I cannot define happiness for anyone else but I can describe how I define it for myself. Defining what happiness means for you is an important step in creating more happiness in your life.
My definition of happiness is based on the premise that feelings are communication. Just like when you stub your toe on something the pain tells you that something has gone wrong physically, so too the feelings that drive your emotions can give you feedback on the way you are living your life. How do you look at the world? Do you see problems or opportunities? Are you making choices in alignment with your needs and values? Happiness is the feedback that points to the answers to these questions and the lack of happiness is a symptom of the way we are living and perceiving life.
It is important to remember that pleasure is not the same as happiness. There are plenty of things that feel good that do not make us happy. We need only look at people who have money, fame, power, and the freedom to live as they please, but are still unhappy, to realise that sex, shopping, or a permanent vacation do not automatically translate into happiness. Equally, there are very challenging things we undertake that include struggle and discomfort which create a tremendous sense of happiness.
Better than describing what happiness is or is not I find it best to point to what I mean when I refer to authentic happiness. Here are some examples: When I am productive I feel happy but when I procrastinate I do not, even though I am avoiding the discomfort of doing something I am resisting. When I complete a coaching session with someone I feel happy. When I write and effectively put my ideas into words I feel happy. When I can help others I feel happy. When I meet with people I feel connected to and we share special moments I feel happy. When I am in nature or by the sea I almost always feel happy. In other words, the actions I am taking and the way I am perceiving the world help me find happiness in those moments.
In contrast, when I used to complain about my job or about things in my life that I could not or would not change, I felt unhappy. Even though I earned a lot of money and drove an expensive car my work and my relationships did not lead me to the happiness I feel now. Our achievements, rewards and excitement may deliver pleasure but if we still feel empty or unfulfilled it is not authentic happiness. Studies have shown that people often derive more happiness from planning and then remembering a vacation than they do actually experiencing it. If happiness is not in the present moment or you need a certain result to be happy, it is unlikely to be authentic happiness. In the immortal words of Thích Nhất Hạnh: There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.
So what do all these clues about happiness tell us? Although we all have different ways to experience happiness there are a few key ingredients. Joseph Campbell reminded us to “follow your bliss.” Mihály Csíkszentmihályi’s work on Flow showed us that in both work and play when we pursue activities that are both interesting to us and challenging we will find happiness in what we do. I have found this feeling when I write, when I coach and when I mentor others. I also experience happiness when I am grounded in the moment and aware of all I am grateful for. Our unconscious speaks to us primarily in feelings so when you experience the fulfilment and joy that is authentic happiness let it be a reminder of what you need more of in your life.
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